My Crazy Love Nugget

Living with a debilitating disease is an overwhelming, a time-consuming, and an attitude-challenging existence.  You have heard of active listening.  Well, I need to actively think about what choices I am making about each day’s activities; otherwise, the day slips away.  

So much of my energy is spent on what you might term the “little” things, i.e., getting dressed, brushing my hair, brushing my teeth, moving from bedroom to bathroom to living room.  Most mornings, I am weary by the time I am ready to eat breakfast.  So, it becomes easy to just sit and maybe read a book or power up the iMac.

If I were to allow myself to slip into a life of doing nothing, what could be said at the end of my life?  This is the question I have begun to ask myself all the time.  Knowing that I am living on the edge of time propels me into action.  It is this knowledge that gives me energy when I have none.  Facing each day with determination to live, pushing forward to leave a legacy of love.  

I have this crazy notion that if I spend time trying to impart to people how much they mean to me, they will carry this love nugget with them after I am no longer here.  For a long time, I was more concerned about doing the “morally just” thing and being a good person.  Oh, I was a complete failure.  My strong independent spirit would rear up and demand respect.  I lived in a confused state of what to do next.  Finally, I started to understand that my true desire was to let others know how much they meant to me.  I started to see that I did not need to take care of myself.  Nothing horrible would happen if I just relaxed.

My independent spirit stills serve a purpose: it gives me the ability to fight to live every day; to power through the dark moments; and to see all the good right in front of me.  My determination to love is rewarding.  The more that I love each person for who they are, the more that I can see the depth of their beauty.

It is an awesome experience.