What About You?

A few days ago, I met a friend at the park near my place.  It was a typical warm June day.  The sky threatening to open up and send down another torrential outpouring of rain.   

She pulled a tissue out of her pocket and wiped away the water left over from the morning's rain. I had it easier; I just rolled my wheelchair over to where she had decided to sit.   We had arranged to meet at the park the day before. It seemed a good idea when the sun was having one of its glorious days.

She was distraught over a recent conflict that had developed between her and some family members. I hoped to provide some comfort.  A few days prior, another friend had emailed me the story of an argument that had broken out between two brothers.  The previous week, I had learmed of a daughter who would not talk to her father because of some unintended offense.  Lately, it seems that there is strife between family members. What is going on?  

Why are we choosing to live with strife? Every day we have the opportunity to make a new beginning. Whether we acknowledge it or not, we make a decision about the way in which we will behave.

One of the first things you might notice when you look at me would be the wheelchair. I am handicapped, but I am free. I live a life of blessings. The time that I have left has become full of love. Why am I out of sync?

 My handicap is visible. 

The Victor

FREEDOM

As you can imagine, my mom's passing has spurred me to do further consideration of my life.  These past several years, as I learn how to find a new life defined by muscular dystrophy, I had already begun a new search, a contemplation of the decisions I have made since a child.  Now, I am no longer a child.  For, I no longer have a mother.

For a long time, I was self-focused as I struggled to survive.  Moving from Chicago to New York to San Francisco to Cleveland and, finally, back to Chicago on whims of the moment.  Making friends and then moving on to new friends.  All pleasures were immediate as I hid from the past, from the child, from the victim.  Choices made were based on how they impacted me, only me.  Not realizing that many of my wounds were self-inflicted; letting myself to be victimized by my own decisions.

Over time, I slowly moved from Victim to Survivor.  Until, finally, with the birth of my daughter, I began to live for the future.  How glorious those years were (and still are).  The wounds healing a little more every time I looked at her and felt a surge of emotions - most importantly, love.  I wanted to do my best for her.  Yes; she taught me how to care for someone else; how to make decisions that took tomorrow into account.   Still a Survivor, but now broadening that circle; breaking down the hidden walls of my life; inviting love in so that I could give it to her.

Still freedom was an illusion: a dream to live unencumbered, free from childhood and adulthood demons.  How many of us have the same dream of freedom?  How many decide to self-inflict wounds?  How many continue to live as survivors?  I wanted more!

As a Christian, I began to search myself.  Digging through the layers of debris, I looked for the pearls.  Believing that God created me in His own image, I sought for His image of me.  Slowly, I healed.  Slowly, I found the Victor within me.

How tender are these years of choosing to be a Victor.  I encourage you: let the past be the past.  Whether that past was yesterday or 30 years ago, it is the past.  Hold no grudge.  Forgive.  Extend grace to all.  Love when it is easy and especially when it is difficult.  Smile.