The Victor

FREEDOM

As you can imagine, my mom's passing has spurred me to do further consideration of my life.  These past several years, as I learn how to find a new life defined by muscular dystrophy, I had already begun a new search, a contemplation of the decisions I have made since a child.  Now, I am no longer a child.  For, I no longer have a mother.

For a long time, I was self-focused as I struggled to survive.  Moving from Chicago to New York to San Francisco to Cleveland and, finally, back to Chicago on whims of the moment.  Making friends and then moving on to new friends.  All pleasures were immediate as I hid from the past, from the child, from the victim.  Choices made were based on how they impacted me, only me.  Not realizing that many of my wounds were self-inflicted; letting myself to be victimized by my own decisions.

Over time, I slowly moved from Victim to Survivor.  Until, finally, with the birth of my daughter, I began to live for the future.  How glorious those years were (and still are).  The wounds healing a little more every time I looked at her and felt a surge of emotions - most importantly, love.  I wanted to do my best for her.  Yes; she taught me how to care for someone else; how to make decisions that took tomorrow into account.   Still a Survivor, but now broadening that circle; breaking down the hidden walls of my life; inviting love in so that I could give it to her.

Still freedom was an illusion: a dream to live unencumbered, free from childhood and adulthood demons.  How many of us have the same dream of freedom?  How many decide to self-inflict wounds?  How many continue to live as survivors?  I wanted more!

As a Christian, I began to search myself.  Digging through the layers of debris, I looked for the pearls.  Believing that God created me in His own image, I sought for His image of me.  Slowly, I healed.  Slowly, I found the Victor within me.

How tender are these years of choosing to be a Victor.  I encourage you: let the past be the past.  Whether that past was yesterday or 30 years ago, it is the past.  Hold no grudge.  Forgive.  Extend grace to all.  Love when it is easy and especially when it is difficult.  Smile.