Can It Be?

I am not given to dreams and visions.  No, I am fundamentally a realist.  Although, I do believe that there is more to life than what I can touch.  Our beings are only part physical; the other part is spiritual.

Recently, a friend wrote to me that she believes we have a subconscious internal memory.  It was her way of explaining her recent behavior.  Even though she did not wake up remembering that the day marked another anniversary of her young daughter's passing, she was "cranky" not only all that day but also for a few days before.  Finally, at the end of the day, it occurred to her and, at that moment, she understood.

Although I had never talked to her about this very subject, I knew the truth of her words.  For years, I found myself anxious and moody for days leading up to the anniversary of my young husband's death.  Relief only came after the day had passed.  It is uncanny how we know without knowing.

So, this past Sunday, as I was sitting in church, I felt a sudden deep sadness and tenacity.  It was perplexing.  This feeling did not belong to me; I did not own it, but I knew it.  This feeling was so familiar.  With a slight jolt, I knew where I had encountered it before.  It was my mother.  She had come to visit me on the eve of the anniversary of her death.

Let me be clear.  We were never close.  It was not a longing that made this encounter.  She came to me and I understood her in a way not possible during her years on earth.

The gap between us was closed.  Before, it was easy for me to judge her for what she did not do.  Now, it was with shame that I came to see all that she did do and why she could not do more.

Can it be that we use one standard for ourselves and another for others?

It is time to forgive.